Afraid of being 'dragged down'
I can't believe what has been happening the past few months. After years of miserable illness, I'm finally getting my life back together. I'm postive, joyful, optimistic... I have a new lease of life and I treasure each day of freedom I've felt since feeling better. I feel so much joy in just being able to go round a supermarket or walking down the road.
All through my darkest time, I felt totally alone. My best friend was having constant personal problems, most mild, one major... I was there for her and supporting her the whole time, even though I was feeling suicidal. She never really listened to how I was feeling and it ended up putting immense pressure on our friendship... I felt like she was draining my energy, my soul, I felt like saying to her that I didn't want to know her anymore because I was not coping with my own life, let alone hers.
Gradually, I got myself better. Then, November last year, she was suddenly hit by illness... virtually the same as I'd been suffering from. I'd been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, she's been diagnosed with Crohn's. She's now suffering all the things I was suffering... including the suicidal thoughts. I feel so frustrated with her, though. I know what's she's going through, she asks for my help and advice and then simply ignores it.Half of me wants her to come and stay with me so I can look after her properly, the other half of me wants to run screaming.... It feels like a curse... I've just escaped that godforsaken illness, now it's nipping at me again mentally through my best friend. I have so many mixed feelings.... love and pity for my friend... anger and resentment towards her, firstly for getting ill (even though she can't help it), secondly for her not even trying to get better... I've tried to spell it out to her that to get better she has to work on it, try everything she can... Here I am ONCE AGAIN listening, understanding, trying to help... but wishing I was wearing a big suit of emotional armour. I'm even having selfish thoughts like, 'thank god I don't feel like that anymore...'
I want to help her, but at the same time, I'm starting a new phase in my life... I have a college interview in a week's time and just want to focus on that...
It's all so messed up.
Tiger.
Answers:
Hi Tigerlily,
You're a sweetie. I have been not working which is very naughty of me, and just HP surfing instead. Through this bad behaviour I came upon your post. Let me preface my meanderings below by saying'In my opinion' is one thing, but what's right for you and your situation is another...
Number One:
You are number one in this equation. You have a responsibility to yourself first and foremost. You and your health are a gift to be protected and cared for just as much as hers. I think if your health is fragile, including your mental health after dealing with a debilitating illness, you have to protect the place of soundness you've made for yourself above all OR be willing to pay with the possible consequences without being mad at her for taking and taking and taking.
Even if you choose to help her, you must have the reserves, the where-withall toaccomplish that. Take care of yourself.
Number Two:
There is merit in giving. However, in my experience and opinion... Only martyrs are usually willing to sacrifice health and home to do that. Are you a martyr? Do you want to be one? No judgment here, just a question you might want to ask yourself. It might be the right choice for you and your spiritual path --
Number Three, Some Questions:
[ul][*]Have you taught her enough by example and word that she could be a big girl and take care of herself, or does she need you to nurse her?[*]Are you the only one who can take this responsibility on?[*]Is she asking for you to do this?[*]What kind of 'best friend' is this -- are you sure she's a best friend?The giving / receivingdoesn't sound reciprocal.[*]I think you should be honest with her and tell her the truth about her friendship skills or the lack thereof. (And get yourself a REAL best friend... maybe even her if she values you.)[*] Why is feeling grateful to be better selfish? [/ul]
I wish you the best, you are such a darling and obviously so sensitive, loving and caring. I don't even know you and I don't want you to be hurt!
If I misunderstood, then "never mind" as Gilda Radner used to say. Many hugs, J
Answers:
hiya!
I dont think I have any words of wisdom here but I have gone thru the same thing with a so called friend of mine.
It is sooo draining to have someone constantly moaning and refusing to help themselves.
There is only so much you can do. You are not selfish at all but at the same time you are no miracle worker-you cant waste your words and energy on someone who does not want to be helped.
It seems like the friendship is one sided (again, I am/was in the same situation).
These sorts of fair weather friends arent real friends hun. Believe me, it is hard to admit but deep down you have probably realised this by yourself.
On a more positive note, congratulations on your new lease of life! Isnt it a fab feeling!
Dont let anyone sabotage all of your hard work and progress.
[sm=love-smiley-009.gif]
Tx
Answers:
Hi
I feel you should have a talk with your friend and simply tell her honestly and tactfully how you are feeling. If she is a real friend, she will be able to understand and appreciate you for your honesty.
Tell her that you are doing your very best to help her deal with her illness but that in the end, the only one that can do the healing is her. She must take reponsibility for her health as the first step to recovery or at least learning to manage the condition.
Nobody else (including you) can take that responsibility for her, although you can gently encourage her as you have been doing.
At the end of the day, you could give good advise until you are blue in the face but it will do no good whatsoever if the person is not receptive and willing to accept it. Sad but true.
Donna.xx.
Answers:
All I can do is share my own experience of a draining relationship.
I had a friend once who had very personal family problems and was going through a tough spell with her husband. Her entire immediate family had minor health concerns, but always found it necessary to rush to hospital in the middle of the night and needed someone to look after her kids. I was always there for her with support, babysitting and friendship. But she was very draining and I every time I visited her I felt all my energy and soul dissappearing, frankly all her depressing talk made me depressed. She would always say thinks like "oh you're having a hard time with x, you must feel pretty bad" etc and rather than just accept my "I'm doing ok" comment, she would continue to blow my small concerns into things that should be much more serious.
But.. the one time I really needed her was after the death of my father (which tbh I spoke very little about, because his illness was my grief). When I told her she said, I'll be round tomorrow, but then called and cancelled coz her husband wanted to do some decorating! She then called a couple of days later and said she didn't really have time to come round but maybe she'd see me in a couple of weeks. Of course she never did and called me a month or so later, when I asked if I had done anything to upset her, she said no, just our lives were moving in different directions. Nice friend!
Personally I think some people are just users and unfortunately it is those of us that care for our friends that tend to get hurt.
Answers:
Hi Angelfish
Yes, some people are all one way, as you have discovered that is not real friendship. To be honest, I have found most of my friends and my family in reality, to be takers rather than givers.
I am very much a giver and we do get taken advantage of unfortunately. I think the key to it all is to tactfully point this out to these people and try and resolve the issues that way. This however, is more easily said than done and I have found that when you try and have honest discussions, some people feel threatened by it and react badly.
Donna.xx.
Answers:
Tigerlily
Please don't beat yourself up about this. We all like to be there for our friends and family, but what is most important is number 1, and if your friend is a true friend she will understand this. Just remember some people like to moan and be centre of attention all the time, if they put the same amount of energy into making themself better there wouldn't be a problem!
Yala
[sm=nature-smiley-008.gif]
Answers:
Thank you all so much for your interesting replies. I've been reading them but haven't been able to concentrate enough to respond... I've been so focussed on my college interview, that I deliberately avoided the issue, so it wouldn't affect my state of mind. I had told my friend about the interview and resolved that I wouldn't speak to her until it was over, but she'd forgotten all about it... I guess too wrapped up in her own life... I'd had my phone on silent all day of the interview and noticed at the end of it that she'd called twice!! I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I did speak to her later on, she wanted my help on a university project she's doing.
I found out online yesterday that I got into the college!! I was so chuffed I phoned my boyfriend and another friend... A few years ago I would've phoned my best friend first, but as of yet, I haven't told her because I'm so happy and elated at the moment I don't want to risk hearing any of her problems. I'm happy and want to celebrate.
Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts, I've read them all and absorbed them... But my brain is too buzzy with excitement to give a good response!!
Tiger.
Answers:
Hi Tigerlilly
Congratulations of being accepted on your college course :D
Look forward to the future now, I'm sure you will meet lots of new friends on the course.
Donna,xx,
All through my darkest time, I felt totally alone. My best friend was having constant personal problems, most mild, one major... I was there for her and supporting her the whole time, even though I was feeling suicidal. She never really listened to how I was feeling and it ended up putting immense pressure on our friendship... I felt like she was draining my energy, my soul, I felt like saying to her that I didn't want to know her anymore because I was not coping with my own life, let alone hers.
Gradually, I got myself better. Then, November last year, she was suddenly hit by illness... virtually the same as I'd been suffering from. I'd been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, she's been diagnosed with Crohn's. She's now suffering all the things I was suffering... including the suicidal thoughts. I feel so frustrated with her, though. I know what's she's going through, she asks for my help and advice and then simply ignores it.Half of me wants her to come and stay with me so I can look after her properly, the other half of me wants to run screaming.... It feels like a curse... I've just escaped that godforsaken illness, now it's nipping at me again mentally through my best friend. I have so many mixed feelings.... love and pity for my friend... anger and resentment towards her, firstly for getting ill (even though she can't help it), secondly for her not even trying to get better... I've tried to spell it out to her that to get better she has to work on it, try everything she can... Here I am ONCE AGAIN listening, understanding, trying to help... but wishing I was wearing a big suit of emotional armour. I'm even having selfish thoughts like, 'thank god I don't feel like that anymore...'
I want to help her, but at the same time, I'm starting a new phase in my life... I have a college interview in a week's time and just want to focus on that...
It's all so messed up.
Tiger.
Answers:
Hi Tigerlily,
You're a sweetie. I have been not working which is very naughty of me, and just HP surfing instead. Through this bad behaviour I came upon your post. Let me preface my meanderings below by saying'In my opinion' is one thing, but what's right for you and your situation is another...
Number One:
You are number one in this equation. You have a responsibility to yourself first and foremost. You and your health are a gift to be protected and cared for just as much as hers. I think if your health is fragile, including your mental health after dealing with a debilitating illness, you have to protect the place of soundness you've made for yourself above all OR be willing to pay with the possible consequences without being mad at her for taking and taking and taking.
Even if you choose to help her, you must have the reserves, the where-withall toaccomplish that. Take care of yourself.
Number Two:
There is merit in giving. However, in my experience and opinion... Only martyrs are usually willing to sacrifice health and home to do that. Are you a martyr? Do you want to be one? No judgment here, just a question you might want to ask yourself. It might be the right choice for you and your spiritual path --
Number Three, Some Questions:
[ul][*]Have you taught her enough by example and word that she could be a big girl and take care of herself, or does she need you to nurse her?[*]Are you the only one who can take this responsibility on?[*]Is she asking for you to do this?[*]What kind of 'best friend' is this -- are you sure she's a best friend?The giving / receivingdoesn't sound reciprocal.[*]I think you should be honest with her and tell her the truth about her friendship skills or the lack thereof. (And get yourself a REAL best friend... maybe even her if she values you.)[*] Why is feeling grateful to be better selfish? [/ul]
I wish you the best, you are such a darling and obviously so sensitive, loving and caring. I don't even know you and I don't want you to be hurt!
If I misunderstood, then "never mind" as Gilda Radner used to say. Many hugs, J
Answers:
hiya!
I dont think I have any words of wisdom here but I have gone thru the same thing with a so called friend of mine.
It is sooo draining to have someone constantly moaning and refusing to help themselves.
There is only so much you can do. You are not selfish at all but at the same time you are no miracle worker-you cant waste your words and energy on someone who does not want to be helped.
It seems like the friendship is one sided (again, I am/was in the same situation).
These sorts of fair weather friends arent real friends hun. Believe me, it is hard to admit but deep down you have probably realised this by yourself.
On a more positive note, congratulations on your new lease of life! Isnt it a fab feeling!
Dont let anyone sabotage all of your hard work and progress.
[sm=love-smiley-009.gif]
Tx
Answers:
Hi
I feel you should have a talk with your friend and simply tell her honestly and tactfully how you are feeling. If she is a real friend, she will be able to understand and appreciate you for your honesty.
Tell her that you are doing your very best to help her deal with her illness but that in the end, the only one that can do the healing is her. She must take reponsibility for her health as the first step to recovery or at least learning to manage the condition.
Nobody else (including you) can take that responsibility for her, although you can gently encourage her as you have been doing.
At the end of the day, you could give good advise until you are blue in the face but it will do no good whatsoever if the person is not receptive and willing to accept it. Sad but true.
Donna.xx.
Answers:
All I can do is share my own experience of a draining relationship.
I had a friend once who had very personal family problems and was going through a tough spell with her husband. Her entire immediate family had minor health concerns, but always found it necessary to rush to hospital in the middle of the night and needed someone to look after her kids. I was always there for her with support, babysitting and friendship. But she was very draining and I every time I visited her I felt all my energy and soul dissappearing, frankly all her depressing talk made me depressed. She would always say thinks like "oh you're having a hard time with x, you must feel pretty bad" etc and rather than just accept my "I'm doing ok" comment, she would continue to blow my small concerns into things that should be much more serious.
But.. the one time I really needed her was after the death of my father (which tbh I spoke very little about, because his illness was my grief). When I told her she said, I'll be round tomorrow, but then called and cancelled coz her husband wanted to do some decorating! She then called a couple of days later and said she didn't really have time to come round but maybe she'd see me in a couple of weeks. Of course she never did and called me a month or so later, when I asked if I had done anything to upset her, she said no, just our lives were moving in different directions. Nice friend!
Personally I think some people are just users and unfortunately it is those of us that care for our friends that tend to get hurt.
Answers:
Hi Angelfish
Yes, some people are all one way, as you have discovered that is not real friendship. To be honest, I have found most of my friends and my family in reality, to be takers rather than givers.
I am very much a giver and we do get taken advantage of unfortunately. I think the key to it all is to tactfully point this out to these people and try and resolve the issues that way. This however, is more easily said than done and I have found that when you try and have honest discussions, some people feel threatened by it and react badly.
Donna.xx.
Answers:
Tigerlily
Please don't beat yourself up about this. We all like to be there for our friends and family, but what is most important is number 1, and if your friend is a true friend she will understand this. Just remember some people like to moan and be centre of attention all the time, if they put the same amount of energy into making themself better there wouldn't be a problem!
Yala
[sm=nature-smiley-008.gif]
Answers:
Thank you all so much for your interesting replies. I've been reading them but haven't been able to concentrate enough to respond... I've been so focussed on my college interview, that I deliberately avoided the issue, so it wouldn't affect my state of mind. I had told my friend about the interview and resolved that I wouldn't speak to her until it was over, but she'd forgotten all about it... I guess too wrapped up in her own life... I'd had my phone on silent all day of the interview and noticed at the end of it that she'd called twice!! I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I did speak to her later on, she wanted my help on a university project she's doing.
I found out online yesterday that I got into the college!! I was so chuffed I phoned my boyfriend and another friend... A few years ago I would've phoned my best friend first, but as of yet, I haven't told her because I'm so happy and elated at the moment I don't want to risk hearing any of her problems. I'm happy and want to celebrate.
Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts, I've read them all and absorbed them... But my brain is too buzzy with excitement to give a good response!!
Tiger.
Answers:
Hi Tigerlilly
Congratulations of being accepted on your college course :D
Look forward to the future now, I'm sure you will meet lots of new friends on the course.
Donna,xx,