Wicked stepmother
Can anyone tell me how to deal with my daughter's step-mother? She is UNBELIEVABLE! I can't trim my daughter's hair without being accused of cutting it wrong, my daughter can't pick out her own clothes because if it doesn't match then I am a bad mom. How do I deal with this other than the "Just blow it off?" I just had my daughter's hair permed and the step-mom has overly conditioned it so now it's stringy and gross looking. It was such a NICE perm too. I can't even draw a picture in my daughter's homework binder without an argument....she fights through my ex husband who has ALWAYS loved a cat fight of sorts. SOMEONE HELP! I need MORE than the advice of "Just stay away....blow it off." I feel like this is a sequel to "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle."
Answers:
Does she live with you or your ex? How does it come about that you get criticized? From reading your post, it would appear that your ex is relaying the info of his unhappy wife to you. Does he do this in person? on the phone?
Answers:
Carreen...
I have been separated/divorced since 1997. I remarried in 1998, and then my ex remarried in 2000.
They have no children together yet, and from what I hear this woman CANNOT have any children. My ex and I share joint placement, so we switch our daughter every other week. I have one week, he has the next....and so on. I have been getting letters that have been typed on their computer with "Pooh Bear" backround or pretty butterflies, all saying they are from my ex. (A computer print out of his name...how many ex-husbands do you know that would take the time to print something on paper like that??) ANYWAY--the letters usually contain things that tell me how to basically raise my own child. My ex and I can get along GREAT; but when SHE gets in the picture, all hell breaks loose. I am so sick of dealing with her crap. I know I have to in some ways deal with her because of my daughter; but I am sick of the CRAP. It's one thing to love my daughter and be there for her; but it's another to step on my toes and not respect me for being the mom. Of course there are MANY other situations that I am not going to waste time mentioning here, but I need help looking at this a TOTALLY different way. I want to be the "good" parent and not stoop to their level.
Answers:
I see. Yes, that would be annoying and you are right, somehow you'll have to deal with this.
Since you are both going to be sharing custody, there are bound to be times when each of you don't like what the other is doing. Even if you and your ex had remained married, you wouldn't have agreed on every child raising issue. The ideal situation would be for EVERYONE to understand this.
Maybe you could send back a cordial email asking that they please not send you nasty, condecending email about how to raise your daughter. That each household "does it their own way". That you will not try and disrupt how they treat your daughter and know they will use good judgement because they love her.. That you will do the same.
I know you don't want to hear "ignore it" but you could. You could block your email and not respond so that any issues that needed to be discussed could be done so over the phone. This would keep the step mom from calling you (hopefully) as it's much harder to tell you what a crud you are over the phone or in person She also couldn't use the excuse "it's your ex doing it" with the poohbear paper. You could also request that all issues pertaining to your daughter should only be discussed by you and your ex, not her or your husband. Good luck with this.
Answers:
To a certain extent, I agree with Careen. However, this seems a little weird, don't you think? The stepmother seems to have some kind of jealousy. This can manifest itself into something else if something doesn't happen to correct these situation's right away. If the step mom is using this behaviour to you, the child's mother, what is she doing to your daughter? What is she saying to your daughter. What is the child overhearing...it could be that this step mom ONLY messes with you when your daughter isn't at home. What times do these emails usually occur?
If this was me, I would save everything that this "stepmom" sends. I would also keep a diary of events... you said there were other events...keep track of the place, date, and time that they occur.
you can never be too careful these days.
take care,
sunflowers
Answers:
Does she live with you or your ex? How does it come about that you get criticized? From reading your post, it would appear that your ex is relaying the info of his unhappy wife to you. Does he do this in person? on the phone?
Answers:
Carreen...
I have been separated/divorced since 1997. I remarried in 1998, and then my ex remarried in 2000.
They have no children together yet, and from what I hear this woman CANNOT have any children. My ex and I share joint placement, so we switch our daughter every other week. I have one week, he has the next....and so on. I have been getting letters that have been typed on their computer with "Pooh Bear" backround or pretty butterflies, all saying they are from my ex. (A computer print out of his name...how many ex-husbands do you know that would take the time to print something on paper like that??) ANYWAY--the letters usually contain things that tell me how to basically raise my own child. My ex and I can get along GREAT; but when SHE gets in the picture, all hell breaks loose. I am so sick of dealing with her crap. I know I have to in some ways deal with her because of my daughter; but I am sick of the CRAP. It's one thing to love my daughter and be there for her; but it's another to step on my toes and not respect me for being the mom. Of course there are MANY other situations that I am not going to waste time mentioning here, but I need help looking at this a TOTALLY different way. I want to be the "good" parent and not stoop to their level.
Answers:
I see. Yes, that would be annoying and you are right, somehow you'll have to deal with this.
Since you are both going to be sharing custody, there are bound to be times when each of you don't like what the other is doing. Even if you and your ex had remained married, you wouldn't have agreed on every child raising issue. The ideal situation would be for EVERYONE to understand this.
Maybe you could send back a cordial email asking that they please not send you nasty, condecending email about how to raise your daughter. That each household "does it their own way". That you will not try and disrupt how they treat your daughter and know they will use good judgement because they love her.. That you will do the same.
I know you don't want to hear "ignore it" but you could. You could block your email and not respond so that any issues that needed to be discussed could be done so over the phone. This would keep the step mom from calling you (hopefully) as it's much harder to tell you what a crud you are over the phone or in person She also couldn't use the excuse "it's your ex doing it" with the poohbear paper. You could also request that all issues pertaining to your daughter should only be discussed by you and your ex, not her or your husband. Good luck with this.
Answers:
To a certain extent, I agree with Careen. However, this seems a little weird, don't you think? The stepmother seems to have some kind of jealousy. This can manifest itself into something else if something doesn't happen to correct these situation's right away. If the step mom is using this behaviour to you, the child's mother, what is she doing to your daughter? What is she saying to your daughter. What is the child overhearing...it could be that this step mom ONLY messes with you when your daughter isn't at home. What times do these emails usually occur?
If this was me, I would save everything that this "stepmom" sends. I would also keep a diary of events... you said there were other events...keep track of the place, date, and time that they occur.
you can never be too careful these days.
take care,
sunflowers