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My 6 year old doesn't listen

I have a beautiful six year old little girl. When she is good ...she is wonderful, but when she is bad ... all hell breaks loose with her. It is like she is Jekyl & Hyde...angel & devil. I don't know where it goes wrong sometimes. If I ask her to do something she just screams "NO!" She tells me that she hates me and that I am the meanest mom in the world. She throws stuff across the room and down the steps, and she whines and fusses and cries like a two year old. Most of the time I do not even know what starts the fights. But then when she starts i can't seem to get her to stop. I am at my wits end with her. She doesn't do time outs, I've tried taking things off of her, I've tried grounding her, I admit I have even yelled and screamed at her sometimes. She doesn't like to listen to me. I swear she thinks that she is the parent sometimes. She throws fits when she doesn't get her own way. But that is not always the case, she throws fits for other reasons too...I just haven't figured it out yet. I just feel like she is six years old and should not be acting like this. She knows right from wrong, she just chooses not to listen. She fake cries and whines and then somehow manages to turn it into a tantrum that two and three year olds throw. I need help. Thanks!
Answers:

Welcome to the club, you have a strong willed child!!

First off, I need to state that I am from the old school, parents are parents and children are children. We must guide them, not let them guide us.

When she does not listen, gently remove her from what she is doing, take her to what you want her to do and do not let her leave. If she screams, so be it, she can go ahead a scream but things will not change. Sooner or later she will realize she will not get her way. Yes, it will be horrible for a long time, but, it will work.

Most kids that do this learned way back how to manipulate their parents.

You can stand there and repeat and repeat your isntructions and she will not budge. You are wasting your breath.

I have a little grandson 3 yrs. old not listening to his parents, but, they stand there saying his name over and over. If they would pick him up and see to it that he did what they asked things would be better. He would eventually learn he has to mind. saying their name over and over regardless of the tone of voice used just flies over their head.

Yelling does no good either. It is the action removing and showing then what you want them to do is what counts. You become the parent and they are the child, not the other way around.
Answers:

Hi Linzey, I know what you are going thru! Not trying to dispute the advice from misty800, but I do know for a fact that not all seemingly "strong willed" children are just strong willed! I went that route first. This is just another option for you to consider. This is my story-I have a 5 1/2 year old son and for the past 1 to 2 years I have been at my wits end trying to make sense out of the outbursts and behavior! I am also very old fashioned in my beliefs and thought that the correct discipline would eventually win out-it did NOT!! It got to the point that I thought I was just a bad parent and I was causing his problems! Reluctantly, I finally broke down and went by myself to his Pediatrician. I had a very frank and open conversation with him. I was against medicating children because I know it is over used and told him so and asked if there were any other options that I could try. I did not want the sweet personality that my son had to change at all. I did not want a zombie for a son. He sent me to a child Psychologist. Upon meeting my son (within the first few minutes) he knew that my son had a chemical deficiency in his brain. He has too much of one and not enough of another. This is causing all his unexplainable outbursts, anger, sudden breakdowns etc. He did blood tests to determine the exact chemical deficiency, an EEG to rule out tiny seizures and an EKG to make sure his heart was strong since some medicine can affect a weak heart. I was still against medication but after talking to him and realizing that my son truly needed it I gave in. We started out on a very tiny dose to ensure he would not have a reaction to it. Then 2 weeks later increased a little. After the 3rd week I started noticing very subtle decreases in the severity of the outbursts. It has been subtle but it is starting. I know this will be a long process but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please keep in mind that a chemical deficiency is not a birth defect or any thing that you did or could have done to cause it. It just happens!
I hope this helps, at least to know that you are not alone whatever the cause!
dzsmom

FYI- my doctor told me that a child who has this type of problem doesn't know what they are doing or saying when they have the unexplained outburst. They are completely unaware that they are hurting you! They are just reacting. So don't take it to heart when she says hurtful things if you think she might have this type of problem.
Answers:

Thank you so much for responding to my problem. It is nice to know that I am not the only one in this situation. I was beginning to think my child was the only one out there at this age still throwing tantrums. I was beginning to consider taking her to talk to someone. But I guess I'm kind of in denial that I don't want to think that something truly could be wrong with her. I honestly belive she does not know what she is saying or doing when she has these outbursts. And sometimes after she calms down she tells me that the bad girl inside her head tells her to act that way. It kind of has me worried when she says that because first off she is a child and I dont really think she knows what she is talking about. But then again children these days are so far in advance for their age, that maybe she does have a problem. I guess i just hate to think that "my child" could have something wrong with her. thank you so much for the advice and taking the time to read this.
--Linzey
Answers:

Hi Linzey, Taking the step to talk to someone is the hardest step to make! Do what I did- talk to her Pediatrician alone first. Then see what he suggests. I would be very cautious if he/she justs starts her out on meds-unless he has a degree in Child Psychology. My Ped said that with all the over use of meds out there today that he would never attempt to prescribe something. These type of meds can be very dangerous if not done correctly! I would make sure you talk to a Child Psychologist and that he/she evaluates your daughter!
No one wants to admit that "my child" has a problem but that only hurts your child!! After seeing what my son is going thru I feel sorry for those kids who never got the help they needed-for whatever reason! It is very hard to swallow that pride. It took me a while before I even told my Mom because I know how she feels about it. She thought it was just a discipline issue. She just assumed that since it took 12 years for us to even have a baby that I wasn't hard enough on him to make him mind!! She is starting to understand now! It isn't easy to tell anyone about these things but you would be surprised how many others out there that are going thru the same thing you are! I finally told a close friend and was very shocked to find out that her 7 year old son had similar issues-she never said anything before!
I am new at this too but I'll gladly lend support any way I can! This is a very hard thing to deal with and I hope and pray that you are not alone in this.
Keep in touch, I'll let you know how my son is doing.
dzsmom

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