Issues with 17 yo we have custody of...need help
Sorry so long...
A little background info is included:
She came to live with us at the age of 14 after an incident at home that involved the police and her removal by the state. My husband is her cousin. We found out later she'd been caught in her mom's bed with her cousin's of age boyfriend and her mom threatened to take away the phone, etc. But b/c mom was an alcoholic and drug user, kid called the cops and gave a sob story that mom hit her, etc. Came to live with us.
At first, everything was alright. Then we started hearing from the school and neighbors 'congratulations on the new arrival'. I wasn't pregnant. Found out she'd been telling people I was pregnant and she was there to take care of the child. Shortly after, I 'miscarried' by tripping on the dog and she was going to be a surrogate. Can you believe that!! Then, she began telling people I beat her, but only on the head as to not leave any marks. I never touched her. She was still under the care of the state and I contacted them. She was in therapy and I went as well. We had a joined session to go over these things. The therapist had no idea. State did a separate session and determined a group home with a structured environment is what she needed for awhile. We agreed because apparantly, we couldn't control her. She was going to a friends house but leaving to have sex with a myriad of boys as well. It was all too much.
After a year in the group home and weekend visits, she came home. We moved as well, to attempt to leave the environment we were around.
I did my best to get her into a better school in another state. She went there the first year and did better for awhile but the grades slipped still and we found out she began lying to us again, mostly about where she went, skipping school, being late (although I took her every day), etc. I told her if she didn't pick it up, I'd transfer her back. Went the next year but by the end of the first semester, she was failing two classes.
I got a promotion and was working very hard to keep a special schedule to keep her in this school and couldn't do it anymore for failing grades so tranferred her back.
She was allowed to get a job on the weekends (previously she worked as well but had access to her cell phone and money taken away because she spent $1700 in 5 months on her cell phone). She has now saved up almost $3000 but we had to make her quit her job. She is always lying. She said she was working but not and once she didn't even come home but claimed she called and never did. We confront her and give her a chance to tell the truth but for some reason she just can't tell the truth, no matter how much proof we have otherwise. She will blame everyone but herself, she claims she never does anything wrong.
It has gotten to the point now that she just sits in her room and never comes out and we can't take much more of this. We believe she is borrowing or stealing things from people and we know she is lying about her situation (which we fear for the fact we could get into serious trouble although there is no truth to her lies but who do they believe now adays?).
I've given her chores in the past, set expectations, had multiple conversations. I'm at my wits end here and don't know what to do anymore.
She will be 18 in June and is telling everyone she is moving out. She still has a year of school left. But, at this point, I don't know what to think and don't know if I even care.
I am only 34 years old, do not have children of my own, have fought very hard for this child and feel like I am at the end of my rope.
What would you do?
Answers:
I really feel for you. I don't know that I have the answer, but if I were in the situation you are I would feel totally helpless and angry. It sounds as if you have done everything possible for this girl. I don't blame her for her actions though. It's obvious that she has had problems for a long time, and this is the only behavior she knows. Have you considered sending her to a boot camp sort of facility? I'm sure that a lot of people will think that is a horrible option, but it IS an option, and maybe the right one for you. Of course, since she is a ward of the state, they may not allow it. You'd have to talk to her social worker.
If she is so sure she is moving out when she is 18, maybe tell her that since she obviously doesn't respect you, or even herself for that matter, that you agree that moving out is probably the best thing for her to do. Tell her that you can no longer allow her to disrespect you.
It's really so sad though. This girl is obviously hurting, and has been for a long time. But, I think that she is at the age that she needs to start to take responsibilty for her actions, consequences and all. She needs to decide what she wants her life to be, and work towards that goal. She is old enough to understand that her behavior is inappropriate, unless she has a REAL psychological disorder. And I say REAL because a lot of times people blame poor choices on everything except themselves. Has she been diagnosed with a psych disorder? As I've been typing this, it occured to me that she may. Just a thought.
Good luck. My heart really goes out to you.
Answers:
Thank you for your reply LisaFaith.
I did mean to state that we now have custody of her. We fought pretty hard for custody and was awarded it almost 1 year ago. So, she is no longer a ward of the state anymore. I've had to jump through many a hoop to get to that point and in the end it doesn't seem to have been worth it.
Also, no, she has not been diagnosed with any disorder. However, she does act a LOT younger than 17 but is facinated with babies and has been since I've known her (scary thought).
I don't excuse her actions in the least, although I do know that some of her reactions are caused by her previous history. However, she continues to place herself in situations by which lead her back to where she knows she shouldn't go.
I have had lengthy discussions regarding her future, the possibility of college, responsibilities of growing up, what her expectations are and how we can help her reach whatever goals she may have for herself. But, she has to help herself as well.
I've looked into different types of schooling, camps, etc. But, they are wayyy out of our price range (about 2 years ago, we took in my husbands sister and her 3 children as well and have been supporting them as well, we are by no means rich and are suffering greatly financially for this).
I'd have to say I'll just bide my time for the next 3-4 months and see what happens when she turns 18.
Answers:
Hi Matisilia, poor girl, she has a lot of issues, multiple sex partners, lying, doesn't have a strong enough ego to take the blame. This girl had terrible parenting, she's hurting. Have you tried the understanding route?
Answers:
You should be given an award! You've given a lot of yourself and it seems that there is no payoff. But, the fruits of your labors may become evident after she leaves you. Teenagers don't like to behave the way parents want them to when in the presence of parents but often do when at friends house or away from parents (except in school when they are with peers).
My suggestion is that you start to treat her like an adult. Set up natural consequences so that you expend very little energy in how those consequences occur. For example, she can earn money by doing some extra chores around the house. If she does not do them, she doesn't get paid. You don't try to get her to do them and you don't get sad or hurt if she doesn't do them. Likewise, you don't really praise her if she does, you just give her what she earned. That's the way the world works and the more you can set up a situation which is like the real world the better. You have to let go of your desire to change her behavior. She will need to see the rewards (or consequences) on her own and choose to act either way. There are lots of little things you can set up at home which offer rewards for performance. Consequences are a bit more difficult but the consequences must be as natural as possible and not put you out - otherwise it can become a payoff for the kid to act negatively just to see the parent go through all the effort to enforce the consequence.
A little background info is included:
She came to live with us at the age of 14 after an incident at home that involved the police and her removal by the state. My husband is her cousin. We found out later she'd been caught in her mom's bed with her cousin's of age boyfriend and her mom threatened to take away the phone, etc. But b/c mom was an alcoholic and drug user, kid called the cops and gave a sob story that mom hit her, etc. Came to live with us.
At first, everything was alright. Then we started hearing from the school and neighbors 'congratulations on the new arrival'. I wasn't pregnant. Found out she'd been telling people I was pregnant and she was there to take care of the child. Shortly after, I 'miscarried' by tripping on the dog and she was going to be a surrogate. Can you believe that!! Then, she began telling people I beat her, but only on the head as to not leave any marks. I never touched her. She was still under the care of the state and I contacted them. She was in therapy and I went as well. We had a joined session to go over these things. The therapist had no idea. State did a separate session and determined a group home with a structured environment is what she needed for awhile. We agreed because apparantly, we couldn't control her. She was going to a friends house but leaving to have sex with a myriad of boys as well. It was all too much.
After a year in the group home and weekend visits, she came home. We moved as well, to attempt to leave the environment we were around.
I did my best to get her into a better school in another state. She went there the first year and did better for awhile but the grades slipped still and we found out she began lying to us again, mostly about where she went, skipping school, being late (although I took her every day), etc. I told her if she didn't pick it up, I'd transfer her back. Went the next year but by the end of the first semester, she was failing two classes.
I got a promotion and was working very hard to keep a special schedule to keep her in this school and couldn't do it anymore for failing grades so tranferred her back.
She was allowed to get a job on the weekends (previously she worked as well but had access to her cell phone and money taken away because she spent $1700 in 5 months on her cell phone). She has now saved up almost $3000 but we had to make her quit her job. She is always lying. She said she was working but not and once she didn't even come home but claimed she called and never did. We confront her and give her a chance to tell the truth but for some reason she just can't tell the truth, no matter how much proof we have otherwise. She will blame everyone but herself, she claims she never does anything wrong.
It has gotten to the point now that she just sits in her room and never comes out and we can't take much more of this. We believe she is borrowing or stealing things from people and we know she is lying about her situation (which we fear for the fact we could get into serious trouble although there is no truth to her lies but who do they believe now adays?).
I've given her chores in the past, set expectations, had multiple conversations. I'm at my wits end here and don't know what to do anymore.
She will be 18 in June and is telling everyone she is moving out. She still has a year of school left. But, at this point, I don't know what to think and don't know if I even care.
I am only 34 years old, do not have children of my own, have fought very hard for this child and feel like I am at the end of my rope.
What would you do?
Answers:
I really feel for you. I don't know that I have the answer, but if I were in the situation you are I would feel totally helpless and angry. It sounds as if you have done everything possible for this girl. I don't blame her for her actions though. It's obvious that she has had problems for a long time, and this is the only behavior she knows. Have you considered sending her to a boot camp sort of facility? I'm sure that a lot of people will think that is a horrible option, but it IS an option, and maybe the right one for you. Of course, since she is a ward of the state, they may not allow it. You'd have to talk to her social worker.
If she is so sure she is moving out when she is 18, maybe tell her that since she obviously doesn't respect you, or even herself for that matter, that you agree that moving out is probably the best thing for her to do. Tell her that you can no longer allow her to disrespect you.
It's really so sad though. This girl is obviously hurting, and has been for a long time. But, I think that she is at the age that she needs to start to take responsibilty for her actions, consequences and all. She needs to decide what she wants her life to be, and work towards that goal. She is old enough to understand that her behavior is inappropriate, unless she has a REAL psychological disorder. And I say REAL because a lot of times people blame poor choices on everything except themselves. Has she been diagnosed with a psych disorder? As I've been typing this, it occured to me that she may. Just a thought.
Good luck. My heart really goes out to you.
Answers:
Thank you for your reply LisaFaith.
I did mean to state that we now have custody of her. We fought pretty hard for custody and was awarded it almost 1 year ago. So, she is no longer a ward of the state anymore. I've had to jump through many a hoop to get to that point and in the end it doesn't seem to have been worth it.
Also, no, she has not been diagnosed with any disorder. However, she does act a LOT younger than 17 but is facinated with babies and has been since I've known her (scary thought).
I don't excuse her actions in the least, although I do know that some of her reactions are caused by her previous history. However, she continues to place herself in situations by which lead her back to where she knows she shouldn't go.
I have had lengthy discussions regarding her future, the possibility of college, responsibilities of growing up, what her expectations are and how we can help her reach whatever goals she may have for herself. But, she has to help herself as well.
I've looked into different types of schooling, camps, etc. But, they are wayyy out of our price range (about 2 years ago, we took in my husbands sister and her 3 children as well and have been supporting them as well, we are by no means rich and are suffering greatly financially for this).
I'd have to say I'll just bide my time for the next 3-4 months and see what happens when she turns 18.
Answers:
Hi Matisilia, poor girl, she has a lot of issues, multiple sex partners, lying, doesn't have a strong enough ego to take the blame. This girl had terrible parenting, she's hurting. Have you tried the understanding route?
Answers:
You should be given an award! You've given a lot of yourself and it seems that there is no payoff. But, the fruits of your labors may become evident after she leaves you. Teenagers don't like to behave the way parents want them to when in the presence of parents but often do when at friends house or away from parents (except in school when they are with peers).
My suggestion is that you start to treat her like an adult. Set up natural consequences so that you expend very little energy in how those consequences occur. For example, she can earn money by doing some extra chores around the house. If she does not do them, she doesn't get paid. You don't try to get her to do them and you don't get sad or hurt if she doesn't do them. Likewise, you don't really praise her if she does, you just give her what she earned. That's the way the world works and the more you can set up a situation which is like the real world the better. You have to let go of your desire to change her behavior. She will need to see the rewards (or consequences) on her own and choose to act either way. There are lots of little things you can set up at home which offer rewards for performance. Consequences are a bit more difficult but the consequences must be as natural as possible and not put you out - otherwise it can become a payoff for the kid to act negatively just to see the parent go through all the effort to enforce the consequence.