3-yr old issues, should I be concerned
I've written before about my three year old, and I'm wondering if I should be concerned about his behavior. People keep saying he'll improve as he matures, but his behavior is just as bad as it was a year ago, and I'm worried he might have issues.
First - he is a very sweet little boy in many ways. He's smart. He's active. He loves being read to. He loves doing puzzles. In many ways, he's exactly the way a 3-year old is supposed to be. (he'll be four in July)
What I have trouble dealing with is his lack of response to discipline. My wife and I don't use physical punishment. Instead we rely on time outs. We sometimes raise our voices, but try not to constantly yell at our kids (we also have a 7-year old boy). I think we usually stay calm.
The problem with Evan is, when he does something naughty and is yelled at, or given a time out - he usually shows no response. Oh, sometimes he'll cry for a minute, but then he's right back to being chipper. I suppose this is good that he can bounce back so fast, but often it seems as if discipline has no effect on him at all. The other day, he fed the fish when we weren't there (something I've told him never to do because when he was 2 he threw an entire bottle of fish food into the tank, killing a goldfish we had at the time). I yelled at him, told him what he had done was very naughty, made clear to him that I was angry. And he cried. I thought I'd gotten through to him.
The next day, he did the same thing - fed the fish without supervision. My anger seems to have had no effect on him. He doesn't seem to respond to punishment.
Is this something anyone else has observed in their children? I'm worried that we're just not getting through to him. (He's had some trouble in preschool, by the way - his teacher told me recently that he's 'aggressive' in class).
Thanks.
Answers:
Hi animal, how about putting the fish food up where he can't reach it? If he is scared from your anger he cannot listen to you and process the message that you are trying to teach. Fathers are scarier than mothers. I remember being more upset if my dad was upset than my mom and I see the same thing now. My children get so upset if their dad yells at them. Your son might not look all that scared but he still might be. I saw this with my oldest daughter. I am a reformed screamer and when I was at my peak she never looked scared but after I learned that children cannot process what you are trying to teach when they are scared it made a lot of sense to me then that this was the case for my daughter. I stopped screaming at my children and now I see when she gets scared. I think that there is a stage beyond scared when they don't show it. Sort of like freezing up I guess.
Answers:
I hope I didn't leave the wrong impression. I'm not a screamer. Neither is my wife. We usually stay pretty calm with him. He requires constant discipline - we can barely leave him alone for a minute without him getting into mischief. He hits, throws things, breaks things on purpose and even bites. When corrected, his response typically is, "I'm sorry. I forgot." But we told him it's not enough to always apologize. He has to start behaving properly in the first place, which means controlling his impulses, which he seems almost unable to do.
We don't want to constantly chide him, because of course that can have the opposite effect - if you're always disciplining, they stop responding because it's so routine. On the other hand, we can't let him tear our house apart.
Answers:
I was spanked -- over the knee, 3 open-handed swats, just hard enough to hurt a little -- and I turned out okay. And my parents would even go so far as to say that I was a GREAT kid AND teenager.
Answers:
I was spanked too. But I think it made me scared of my father. I also don't think that hitting my son will teach him that hitting is wrong.
First - he is a very sweet little boy in many ways. He's smart. He's active. He loves being read to. He loves doing puzzles. In many ways, he's exactly the way a 3-year old is supposed to be. (he'll be four in July)
What I have trouble dealing with is his lack of response to discipline. My wife and I don't use physical punishment. Instead we rely on time outs. We sometimes raise our voices, but try not to constantly yell at our kids (we also have a 7-year old boy). I think we usually stay calm.
The problem with Evan is, when he does something naughty and is yelled at, or given a time out - he usually shows no response. Oh, sometimes he'll cry for a minute, but then he's right back to being chipper. I suppose this is good that he can bounce back so fast, but often it seems as if discipline has no effect on him at all. The other day, he fed the fish when we weren't there (something I've told him never to do because when he was 2 he threw an entire bottle of fish food into the tank, killing a goldfish we had at the time). I yelled at him, told him what he had done was very naughty, made clear to him that I was angry. And he cried. I thought I'd gotten through to him.
The next day, he did the same thing - fed the fish without supervision. My anger seems to have had no effect on him. He doesn't seem to respond to punishment.
Is this something anyone else has observed in their children? I'm worried that we're just not getting through to him. (He's had some trouble in preschool, by the way - his teacher told me recently that he's 'aggressive' in class).
Thanks.
Answers:
Hi animal, how about putting the fish food up where he can't reach it? If he is scared from your anger he cannot listen to you and process the message that you are trying to teach. Fathers are scarier than mothers. I remember being more upset if my dad was upset than my mom and I see the same thing now. My children get so upset if their dad yells at them. Your son might not look all that scared but he still might be. I saw this with my oldest daughter. I am a reformed screamer and when I was at my peak she never looked scared but after I learned that children cannot process what you are trying to teach when they are scared it made a lot of sense to me then that this was the case for my daughter. I stopped screaming at my children and now I see when she gets scared. I think that there is a stage beyond scared when they don't show it. Sort of like freezing up I guess.
Answers:
I hope I didn't leave the wrong impression. I'm not a screamer. Neither is my wife. We usually stay pretty calm with him. He requires constant discipline - we can barely leave him alone for a minute without him getting into mischief. He hits, throws things, breaks things on purpose and even bites. When corrected, his response typically is, "I'm sorry. I forgot." But we told him it's not enough to always apologize. He has to start behaving properly in the first place, which means controlling his impulses, which he seems almost unable to do.
We don't want to constantly chide him, because of course that can have the opposite effect - if you're always disciplining, they stop responding because it's so routine. On the other hand, we can't let him tear our house apart.
Answers:
I was spanked -- over the knee, 3 open-handed swats, just hard enough to hurt a little -- and I turned out okay. And my parents would even go so far as to say that I was a GREAT kid AND teenager.
Answers:
I was spanked too. But I think it made me scared of my father. I also don't think that hitting my son will teach him that hitting is wrong.