Grown son age 23 adopt'd his fiance's family
Hopefully this title of this thread will get enough responses..my son has adopted his fiance's family as his own. Its breaking my heart. He seems to want to do everything with her family and not with us. We have been good parents, done what ever we could to help him. Her family is wonderful, but still I have such deep pain about how he is treating us...its like abandoning us. I realize that this is something I should just get over, but its harder than that.
Our family all pretty much lives out of town, and her family is in town and when we try to do things with him and her it always includes them. Its like we don't exist. I have had severe medical problems over the last couple of years, but he doesn't seem to acknowledge it and glosses over it. He didn't and hasn't really called me to see how I am doing in my recovery process from my brain/extraction fusion surgery. We have supported him emotionally and financially. He got in some financial trouble much earlier this year and we bailed him out. He promised to pay us back, and gave me a hard time when I requested him to pay us back. When he does call he is ALWAYS asking for more money from us..and MONEY is tight for us and I would ask for the 5K we loaned him. My husband (dad)finally said lets call it a gift. I agree and told my future DIL about it. She was blown away. Let me tell you the 5K was to bail him out of jail. My son has not acknowledged this money to us...and with me starting the SSDI process because I am not able to work, well its a precious amount. I am keeping my mouth shut, and just giving them both love and acceptance but my heart is broke. I don't know how to bring them to and understanding that we are parents too, and that we deserve the love that he is now giving to them. I guess I am a wee bit jealous too.
If you are reading this, I did everything to make sure that they(all my kids)had everything they needed(not wanted but tried there too)We are good parents..
thanks for reading..
Answers:
My heart goes out to you but hang in there, I think you are doing the right thing. This sounds to me like emotional blackmail. If you don't give him money then he will not call or spend time with you. I'm pleased you are not giving in to this and you are very strong to remind him of the money he owed you. He doesn't even seem gratefully that you have written off his debt.
It is so sad that you are being treated badly by your son. You are good parents and it must be very hard for you. Perhaps you need to leave him alone and stop asking him to do things with you for a while and let things settle down. If you act as if it doesn't bother you anymore (even though it does) he may come to realise what good parents he has.
Answers:
Thanks for uplifting comments. Yes I mentioned it once, and won't again.
My oldest does everything to bring us together, even inviting him to join us for lunch without my knowledge. I have been distancing myself, as it is easier than getting my heart broke with the disappointment of him preferring his fiance's family(or so it appears)to us.
My older young man calls and checks in with me, offers to help without asking and is just there without being a pest. He is also showing off for his g/f. LOL.
I suppose the younger son will grow up. There seems to be a lot of emotional blackmail that goes on in her family, and I decided about a month ago not to buy into it. I guess thats why coming to a site/board like this is good for the soul. Throw it out and get it off my chest..and get good feedback.
Mayam..I wonder if my youngest is also scared about having the same problem as me? Its congenital and possible that he has too due to his having the same symptoms as me, and he is seeing how disabling it is. Maybe he is scared of it and of me? And doesn't know the right way to express it? I dunno..just a thought.
thank YOU Mayam..I thought no one would ever respond.
Answers:
Well, he may have worries and fears about your condition and doesn't know how to show it. But his behaviour is still not appropriate at the moment. He needs time to figure out what he wants out of life and how to live without being financially dependant on you.
I'm sure this will resolve in time as he matures and realises that he has very caring parents.
The distancing sounds to be a good idea to me. Sometimes the harder you try the worse you feel when the situation continues.
I was in a similar situation with my eldest daughter but once I stopped trying so hard to win her back things eased off and we are fine now.
Your son is very lucky to have you as his Mom.
Answers:
Well, you may not like my advice but it's the same that I gave my Mom when my Sister was doing the same thing to her with her fiance's family. Ironically it sounds an awful lot like your situation. Mom loaned her some money to go to school. Once she was engaged to this guy it was like my Mom didn't even exsist. My Mom would call me crying telling me that she just called my sister and my sister brushed her off the phone because she was going out to dinner with his folks. This would happen just about every time Mom called her. She was always rushing out the door to do something with his parents.
When it came time for the wedding she did not involve my Mom on ANYTHING. My Mom was devastated. Mom is single and doesn't have a lot of money on hand to give out so my sister planned her wedding with HIS parents. Well, THAT was IT for me.
I told my Mom, that's it. Here's what you're gonna do. Play hard to get. She will call you when she needs something(that is the only time she called Mom, by the way). When she calls you, blow her off. Tell you you don't have time to talk, you're going out to eat or whatever with me and my family, or my younger sister and her family. This happened for about 3 months. Finally I think my sister got the hint. She called me and asked why Mom was hanging out with us so much. I said well it seems her eldest daughter doesn't have time for her, so her 2 younger ones have been making time for her like children should for their parents, that brought them into the world and took care of them and helped them grow and have done some really nice things for them.
Well, this started a verbal war between us 3 daughters and we met up at a restaurant and hashed it out and us younger 2 let our older sister have it. By the time we were done, she was crying and feeling pretty bad for the way she had been treating Mom. Long story short. She now calls Mom everyday and when she's able will do things with Mom.
Give the old reverse role method a try. It may work for your son too. I'll keep you in my thoughts. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. I'm a big fan of children MUST be kind to their parents!
Our family all pretty much lives out of town, and her family is in town and when we try to do things with him and her it always includes them. Its like we don't exist. I have had severe medical problems over the last couple of years, but he doesn't seem to acknowledge it and glosses over it. He didn't and hasn't really called me to see how I am doing in my recovery process from my brain/extraction fusion surgery. We have supported him emotionally and financially. He got in some financial trouble much earlier this year and we bailed him out. He promised to pay us back, and gave me a hard time when I requested him to pay us back. When he does call he is ALWAYS asking for more money from us..and MONEY is tight for us and I would ask for the 5K we loaned him. My husband (dad)finally said lets call it a gift. I agree and told my future DIL about it. She was blown away. Let me tell you the 5K was to bail him out of jail. My son has not acknowledged this money to us...and with me starting the SSDI process because I am not able to work, well its a precious amount. I am keeping my mouth shut, and just giving them both love and acceptance but my heart is broke. I don't know how to bring them to and understanding that we are parents too, and that we deserve the love that he is now giving to them. I guess I am a wee bit jealous too.
If you are reading this, I did everything to make sure that they(all my kids)had everything they needed(not wanted but tried there too)We are good parents..
thanks for reading..
Answers:
My heart goes out to you but hang in there, I think you are doing the right thing. This sounds to me like emotional blackmail. If you don't give him money then he will not call or spend time with you. I'm pleased you are not giving in to this and you are very strong to remind him of the money he owed you. He doesn't even seem gratefully that you have written off his debt.
It is so sad that you are being treated badly by your son. You are good parents and it must be very hard for you. Perhaps you need to leave him alone and stop asking him to do things with you for a while and let things settle down. If you act as if it doesn't bother you anymore (even though it does) he may come to realise what good parents he has.
Answers:
Thanks for uplifting comments. Yes I mentioned it once, and won't again.
My oldest does everything to bring us together, even inviting him to join us for lunch without my knowledge. I have been distancing myself, as it is easier than getting my heart broke with the disappointment of him preferring his fiance's family(or so it appears)to us.
My older young man calls and checks in with me, offers to help without asking and is just there without being a pest. He is also showing off for his g/f. LOL.
I suppose the younger son will grow up. There seems to be a lot of emotional blackmail that goes on in her family, and I decided about a month ago not to buy into it. I guess thats why coming to a site/board like this is good for the soul. Throw it out and get it off my chest..and get good feedback.
Mayam..I wonder if my youngest is also scared about having the same problem as me? Its congenital and possible that he has too due to his having the same symptoms as me, and he is seeing how disabling it is. Maybe he is scared of it and of me? And doesn't know the right way to express it? I dunno..just a thought.
thank YOU Mayam..I thought no one would ever respond.
Answers:
Well, he may have worries and fears about your condition and doesn't know how to show it. But his behaviour is still not appropriate at the moment. He needs time to figure out what he wants out of life and how to live without being financially dependant on you.
I'm sure this will resolve in time as he matures and realises that he has very caring parents.
The distancing sounds to be a good idea to me. Sometimes the harder you try the worse you feel when the situation continues.
I was in a similar situation with my eldest daughter but once I stopped trying so hard to win her back things eased off and we are fine now.
Your son is very lucky to have you as his Mom.
Answers:
Well, you may not like my advice but it's the same that I gave my Mom when my Sister was doing the same thing to her with her fiance's family. Ironically it sounds an awful lot like your situation. Mom loaned her some money to go to school. Once she was engaged to this guy it was like my Mom didn't even exsist. My Mom would call me crying telling me that she just called my sister and my sister brushed her off the phone because she was going out to dinner with his folks. This would happen just about every time Mom called her. She was always rushing out the door to do something with his parents.
When it came time for the wedding she did not involve my Mom on ANYTHING. My Mom was devastated. Mom is single and doesn't have a lot of money on hand to give out so my sister planned her wedding with HIS parents. Well, THAT was IT for me.
I told my Mom, that's it. Here's what you're gonna do. Play hard to get. She will call you when she needs something(that is the only time she called Mom, by the way). When she calls you, blow her off. Tell you you don't have time to talk, you're going out to eat or whatever with me and my family, or my younger sister and her family. This happened for about 3 months. Finally I think my sister got the hint. She called me and asked why Mom was hanging out with us so much. I said well it seems her eldest daughter doesn't have time for her, so her 2 younger ones have been making time for her like children should for their parents, that brought them into the world and took care of them and helped them grow and have done some really nice things for them.
Well, this started a verbal war between us 3 daughters and we met up at a restaurant and hashed it out and us younger 2 let our older sister have it. By the time we were done, she was crying and feeling pretty bad for the way she had been treating Mom. Long story short. She now calls Mom everyday and when she's able will do things with Mom.
Give the old reverse role method a try. It may work for your son too. I'll keep you in my thoughts. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. I'm a big fan of children MUST be kind to their parents!