Age Appropriate Chores, Rules, Allowance...
Good Morning Everyone! I come to you with a dilemma & am humbly asking for your help.
For those of you who don't know, my daughter is 7. Before you even ask, YES, she has managed to get this far & not have regular/real chores. When I make her do something, she whines & throws tantrums, and I try to tell her how good she really has it & how lucky she is. Of course, she doesn't agree w/ me or realize how lucky she really is. I do have some rules for her that she's aware of but rarely follows. I enforce them as best I can, but...well, I won't get into it right now.
I know! I know! Some of you will want to get all crappy & judge me about that, but trust me, there's a whole other story there...seriously. So, just don't go there, OK?!
Now, the whole reason I'm here... I've had enough, and I'm putting my foot down b/c I know how this will affect her years from now if I don't let her learn all the MANY lessons that come with chores (i.e. responsibility, discipline, helping others, pride, value of work...). One of the most important things I want her to learn is that part of being a family is pitching in/doing your part whenever you can, unlike now, when she whines about picking up her own mess let alone helping w/ regular household work, following rules...
Ex: I'll tell her to pick up clothes out of the living room. Now, mind you, she knows where there supposed to go, that they're not even supposed to be in the living room, & to put them in their respected areas as soon as they're taken off. She'll usually whine & say, "Why do I always have to" OR "Why do I have to do everything"? Of course, she knows the answer - "if you made the mess, pick it up...", but I have to constantly retell her & explain how it's her responsibility.
She has some MAJOR behavior issues that play into all this. However, that's another story, and one I'm not willing to delve into at present. Yes, I'm aware that getting a handle on her behavior issues would significantly decrease the other problems, but I have to do one thing at a time. Don't get me wrong. It is being worked on, but if I waited for her behavior issues to go away - which won't be anytime soon...if at all - before working on this, it would be dang near impossible to instill such an important habitat/lesson. The older the kid is when something new is introduced, the harder it will be to accomplish the goal. If a few of you are interested in the behavior issue, let me know, and I'll try doing a post on it sometime soon.
For now...
Q1: Could some of ya give me some ideas for age appropriate chores (includes required daily routine things like getting dressed, brushing teeth, washing face, getting hair done w/o giving a hard time, taking meds, eating breakfast, washing hands, homework...) & rules (Note: I pretty much know what rules i want for her but am willing to hear some of your advice/opinions. I basically need ways to get her to follow the rules w/ barely having to ask...if at all)?
Stuff like...
1. How often
2. Independent or done with parent
3. If need taught/trained... how long before letting them alone or w/ just supervision
4. Chore chart(s); Rules on something & hung somewhere
5. Discipline for not doing
6. ...and so on
Q2: Could you also help w/ some ideas on age appropriate allowance in relation to chores?
Stuff like:
1. Weekly amount (I think $2 is more then enough for her age, esp for a poor family.)
2. So many cents/chore
Ex: Could earn UP TO $2/wk if she does all her chores, $0 for none, $.10 for 1...
3. Maybe a point system where she gets so many points/chore & has to earn so many points/week to get her allowance
Ex: ? chores/day x ? pts/chore = UP TO ? pts /day x 7 = UP TO ? pts/week... if the rule is to have 20 pts/wk to earn her allowance & can earn up to 5/day = 35/wk, then there's obviously times where she may miss a chore for some reason but still be able to earn her allowance BUT the point system would have to be done (pts/chore) in a way that to earn the pts needed for that week, the majority of her obligations are met...for instance, the pt system couldn't be done in a way where she could only do 2 of 10 chores/day (wouldn't even 25% of the chores) & still get the allowance
4. Maybe take so many pts away/chore for each time reminded/told to do it
5. Doing a chart system (I need A LOT of help w/ this b/c my imagination & problem solving skills just don't work that way. LOL)
6. ...and so on
Thanks in advance for your help! I really appreciate it & look forward to hearing your ideas/advice.
Answers:
I won't get into the questionnaire thing, everyone has different ideas about all that stuff. The thing is, whatever you decide, the trick is going to be maintaining and reinforcing it over the months. You have realised by now that your kid can hold out over the parental moaning indefinitely, she will be in hre teens and will never have responded to this. I found this and wondered I still thought it would work. The best way is to settle in for the long term, take the disciplinary approach out of the equation and set the AGREEMENT: I (kid) agree that I will complete the agreed chores, follow the agreed rules or there will be consequences. These consequences will happen without fail. They are: I will lose any privileges granted as a result of my doing my chores
I will not receive allowances promised as a result of my doing my chores. Translate this to fact, never deviate, and this will eventually work. I have seen it happen. No yelling, no punishments, just make an agreement that any privileges, money she receives is conditional on her keeping her side of the agreement. AND STICK TO IT. If she doesn't stick to it, well you are not beating or starving her, just have her accept the consequences. It is up to her, and I she whines, well that is still up to her. It takes a bit of dedication but it will teach her that SHE is responsible for earning reward or consequences. Warn her each time tho, kids do get absent-minded."Honey, you need to clean up your stuff now to keep your pocket money for today", Then let it go. If she doesn't do it, gently explain again about her agreement.
Answers:
We have a couple different types of chores in our family. Things like putting away own laundry, making beds and doing dishes is just part of being a family and has nothing to do with having an allowance. It's just something that is done.
Allowance comes in with helping outside with extra chores or helping with vacuuming, dusting, etc.
One way to help with the whining may be to start a chart with say your $2 right at the top. Every time your dd is asked to do something and it's not done right away/or whined about then she loses .10 That way she can see how much she is losing by the attitude that she has.
I agree with the gal that wrote above - consistancy will be the issue. If you don't follow through, neither will she.
Good luck!
Answers:
We have a couple different types of chores in our family. Things like putting away own laundry, making beds and doing dishes is just part of being a family and has nothing to do with having an allowance. It's just something that is done.
Allowance comes in with helping outside with extra chores or helping with vacuuming, dusting, etc.
One way to help with the whining may be to start a chart with say your $2 right at the top. Every time your dd is asked to do something and it's not done right away/or whined about then she loses .10 That way she can see how much she is losing by the attitude that she has.
I agree with the gal that wrote above - consistancy will be the issue. If you don't follow through, neither will she.
Good luck! Not a bad idea. I tried something similar that didn't work, but it was a marble type system. Maybe if she sees she's actually losing money, she'll change her tune. LOL
Thanks!
Answers:
When my DD was about that age (she's 12 now), I didn't do allowance where she earned money (she didn't really grasp that concept too well), she had a chart where she earned something she wanted (you can involve her in the chart and ask her if there's something she really wants so you know what will motivate her). With the first chart, she earned a pet fish. She had some behavioral issues, was a diva who couldn't lift a finger to help anyone else, and screamed, yelled and hollered "child abuse" if I asked her to pick up HER stuff. Anyway, since the majority of what I was trying to accomplish was to change the behavioral issues, there was no picking and choosing which things she was going to do, she had to do everything on the chart or she didn't get the reward.
Here's how the charts worked:
The overall concept of the chart was that DD earned a sticker for each category (task) she accomplished each day. Ultimately, with the first chart, if she completed the whole chart, she got to go to the pet store and pick out the fish she wanted to keep as a pet in her room, but she was responsible for feeding the fish every day and helping clean the bowl once a week (responsibility built into the reward). There was also motivation built in at different stages of the chart along the way. After earning 5 stickers in each category (she couldn't continue earning stickers past 5 in the easy categories until she caught up with all of the categories - no picking and choosing what SHE WANTS to do), she first earned a fishbowl, so we went to the pet store (where she could see the fish she wanted but couldn't get yet) to pick out a bowl. After the next set of 5 stickers in each category, she earned the rocks for the bottom of the bowl (another trip to the pet store to see the fish she wanted but couldn't get yet but we left with more motivation). After the 3rd set of stickers, she got another trip to the pet store for the fish food. And finally, after completing the entire chart, she got to pick out her fish. Then, we started a new chart where she could earn something else she wanted. We did a chart to earn a trip to Chuck E. Cheese, and along the way, she earned tokens to spend on games there. It all depends on what motivates your kid.
We still had more than our share of issues, but I was consistent with what's acceptable for earning a sticker and what's not. Some days she chose not to earn all of her stickers, particularly the attitude sticker, but I had an all or nothing approach, she couldn't earn anything by just brushing her teeth and being ready for school on time every day (the easy stuff), she had to keep her attitude in check as well. She could have gotten through the charts within 3-4 weeks, but she liked to take her time with the attitude category. It really did cut down on the arguing, complaining, etc and was less stress on me, although my DD is stubborn and still found it worthwhile to forego the stickers and give me attitude and a hard time quite a bit, so the charts took longer to get through for her. It was still worth it, though on those days when she did earn that sticker.
There were 4 or 5 categories of specific things DD was responsible for (what specific behaviors are you trying to correct and what specific tasks do you need her to do consistently, including some easy ones - brush your teeth, pick up your toys before bedtime, be ready for school by a certain time, etc. - not too many or it gets overwhelming, work on a few things with the first chart and a few more with the next one) one was overall attitude for the day (of course, this is the one she struggled with the most, but when she started acting up, I'd give her warnings that she was going to lose her attitude sticker if she kept it up - much better than arguing, yelling, and our old pattern of interaction). The chart had 4 or 5 columns on it - one for each things DD was responsible for. It also had 4 or 5 rows. She had the ability to earn one sticker in each category every day. When she reached a total of 5 stickers in any one category, she couldn't earn any more in that category (but she could lose stickers if she didn't still do it) until she caught up with the rest of the categories for that row. When she earned 5 stickers in all of the categories, she got the reward for that row (ie: the fish bowl). When the chart was complete (80-100 stickers total) she got the big reward and I made a huge deal about it. Then, we'd sit down together and make another chart to earn something else.
The best way I've found to get them to change their behavior and help out around the house at that age is to make it fun (when they get older, you have to start taking away stuff to get through to them, or at least I have). DD enjoyed the charts (except for that "overall daily attitude" column...LOL!), participating in setting the rewards and earning them. They didn't cost me a whole lot of money (I tried to keep it to about $20-25 total) but it was well worth it for all of those days where she earned that attitude sticker.
Personally, I'd start with the charts first, unless she really grasps the concept of money and is motivated by earning it. You can build up to earning money for chores that help the family, but you have to start with getting her attitude in check and getting her to accept responsibility for picking up her own things and becoming more independent with herself first before moving on to helping the family and "earning her keep." That's what I've found at that age anyway.
For those of you who don't know, my daughter is 7. Before you even ask, YES, she has managed to get this far & not have regular/real chores. When I make her do something, she whines & throws tantrums, and I try to tell her how good she really has it & how lucky she is. Of course, she doesn't agree w/ me or realize how lucky she really is. I do have some rules for her that she's aware of but rarely follows. I enforce them as best I can, but...well, I won't get into it right now.
I know! I know! Some of you will want to get all crappy & judge me about that, but trust me, there's a whole other story there...seriously. So, just don't go there, OK?!
Now, the whole reason I'm here... I've had enough, and I'm putting my foot down b/c I know how this will affect her years from now if I don't let her learn all the MANY lessons that come with chores (i.e. responsibility, discipline, helping others, pride, value of work...). One of the most important things I want her to learn is that part of being a family is pitching in/doing your part whenever you can, unlike now, when she whines about picking up her own mess let alone helping w/ regular household work, following rules...
Ex: I'll tell her to pick up clothes out of the living room. Now, mind you, she knows where there supposed to go, that they're not even supposed to be in the living room, & to put them in their respected areas as soon as they're taken off. She'll usually whine & say, "Why do I always have to" OR "Why do I have to do everything"? Of course, she knows the answer - "if you made the mess, pick it up...", but I have to constantly retell her & explain how it's her responsibility.
She has some MAJOR behavior issues that play into all this. However, that's another story, and one I'm not willing to delve into at present. Yes, I'm aware that getting a handle on her behavior issues would significantly decrease the other problems, but I have to do one thing at a time. Don't get me wrong. It is being worked on, but if I waited for her behavior issues to go away - which won't be anytime soon...if at all - before working on this, it would be dang near impossible to instill such an important habitat/lesson. The older the kid is when something new is introduced, the harder it will be to accomplish the goal. If a few of you are interested in the behavior issue, let me know, and I'll try doing a post on it sometime soon.
For now...
Q1: Could some of ya give me some ideas for age appropriate chores (includes required daily routine things like getting dressed, brushing teeth, washing face, getting hair done w/o giving a hard time, taking meds, eating breakfast, washing hands, homework...) & rules (Note: I pretty much know what rules i want for her but am willing to hear some of your advice/opinions. I basically need ways to get her to follow the rules w/ barely having to ask...if at all)?
Stuff like...
1. How often
2. Independent or done with parent
3. If need taught/trained... how long before letting them alone or w/ just supervision
4. Chore chart(s); Rules on something & hung somewhere
5. Discipline for not doing
6. ...and so on
Q2: Could you also help w/ some ideas on age appropriate allowance in relation to chores?
Stuff like:
1. Weekly amount (I think $2 is more then enough for her age, esp for a poor family.)
2. So many cents/chore
Ex: Could earn UP TO $2/wk if she does all her chores, $0 for none, $.10 for 1...
3. Maybe a point system where she gets so many points/chore & has to earn so many points/week to get her allowance
Ex: ? chores/day x ? pts/chore = UP TO ? pts /day x 7 = UP TO ? pts/week... if the rule is to have 20 pts/wk to earn her allowance & can earn up to 5/day = 35/wk, then there's obviously times where she may miss a chore for some reason but still be able to earn her allowance BUT the point system would have to be done (pts/chore) in a way that to earn the pts needed for that week, the majority of her obligations are met...for instance, the pt system couldn't be done in a way where she could only do 2 of 10 chores/day (wouldn't even 25% of the chores) & still get the allowance
4. Maybe take so many pts away/chore for each time reminded/told to do it
5. Doing a chart system (I need A LOT of help w/ this b/c my imagination & problem solving skills just don't work that way. LOL)
6. ...and so on
Thanks in advance for your help! I really appreciate it & look forward to hearing your ideas/advice.
Answers:
I won't get into the questionnaire thing, everyone has different ideas about all that stuff. The thing is, whatever you decide, the trick is going to be maintaining and reinforcing it over the months. You have realised by now that your kid can hold out over the parental moaning indefinitely, she will be in hre teens and will never have responded to this. I found this and wondered I still thought it would work. The best way is to settle in for the long term, take the disciplinary approach out of the equation and set the AGREEMENT: I (kid) agree that I will complete the agreed chores, follow the agreed rules or there will be consequences. These consequences will happen without fail. They are: I will lose any privileges granted as a result of my doing my chores
I will not receive allowances promised as a result of my doing my chores. Translate this to fact, never deviate, and this will eventually work. I have seen it happen. No yelling, no punishments, just make an agreement that any privileges, money she receives is conditional on her keeping her side of the agreement. AND STICK TO IT. If she doesn't stick to it, well you are not beating or starving her, just have her accept the consequences. It is up to her, and I she whines, well that is still up to her. It takes a bit of dedication but it will teach her that SHE is responsible for earning reward or consequences. Warn her each time tho, kids do get absent-minded."Honey, you need to clean up your stuff now to keep your pocket money for today", Then let it go. If she doesn't do it, gently explain again about her agreement.
Answers:
We have a couple different types of chores in our family. Things like putting away own laundry, making beds and doing dishes is just part of being a family and has nothing to do with having an allowance. It's just something that is done.
Allowance comes in with helping outside with extra chores or helping with vacuuming, dusting, etc.
One way to help with the whining may be to start a chart with say your $2 right at the top. Every time your dd is asked to do something and it's not done right away/or whined about then she loses .10 That way she can see how much she is losing by the attitude that she has.
I agree with the gal that wrote above - consistancy will be the issue. If you don't follow through, neither will she.
Good luck!
Answers:
We have a couple different types of chores in our family. Things like putting away own laundry, making beds and doing dishes is just part of being a family and has nothing to do with having an allowance. It's just something that is done.
Allowance comes in with helping outside with extra chores or helping with vacuuming, dusting, etc.
One way to help with the whining may be to start a chart with say your $2 right at the top. Every time your dd is asked to do something and it's not done right away/or whined about then she loses .10 That way she can see how much she is losing by the attitude that she has.
I agree with the gal that wrote above - consistancy will be the issue. If you don't follow through, neither will she.
Good luck! Not a bad idea. I tried something similar that didn't work, but it was a marble type system. Maybe if she sees she's actually losing money, she'll change her tune. LOL
Thanks!
Answers:
When my DD was about that age (she's 12 now), I didn't do allowance where she earned money (she didn't really grasp that concept too well), she had a chart where she earned something she wanted (you can involve her in the chart and ask her if there's something she really wants so you know what will motivate her). With the first chart, she earned a pet fish. She had some behavioral issues, was a diva who couldn't lift a finger to help anyone else, and screamed, yelled and hollered "child abuse" if I asked her to pick up HER stuff. Anyway, since the majority of what I was trying to accomplish was to change the behavioral issues, there was no picking and choosing which things she was going to do, she had to do everything on the chart or she didn't get the reward.
Here's how the charts worked:
The overall concept of the chart was that DD earned a sticker for each category (task) she accomplished each day. Ultimately, with the first chart, if she completed the whole chart, she got to go to the pet store and pick out the fish she wanted to keep as a pet in her room, but she was responsible for feeding the fish every day and helping clean the bowl once a week (responsibility built into the reward). There was also motivation built in at different stages of the chart along the way. After earning 5 stickers in each category (she couldn't continue earning stickers past 5 in the easy categories until she caught up with all of the categories - no picking and choosing what SHE WANTS to do), she first earned a fishbowl, so we went to the pet store (where she could see the fish she wanted but couldn't get yet) to pick out a bowl. After the next set of 5 stickers in each category, she earned the rocks for the bottom of the bowl (another trip to the pet store to see the fish she wanted but couldn't get yet but we left with more motivation). After the 3rd set of stickers, she got another trip to the pet store for the fish food. And finally, after completing the entire chart, she got to pick out her fish. Then, we started a new chart where she could earn something else she wanted. We did a chart to earn a trip to Chuck E. Cheese, and along the way, she earned tokens to spend on games there. It all depends on what motivates your kid.
We still had more than our share of issues, but I was consistent with what's acceptable for earning a sticker and what's not. Some days she chose not to earn all of her stickers, particularly the attitude sticker, but I had an all or nothing approach, she couldn't earn anything by just brushing her teeth and being ready for school on time every day (the easy stuff), she had to keep her attitude in check as well. She could have gotten through the charts within 3-4 weeks, but she liked to take her time with the attitude category. It really did cut down on the arguing, complaining, etc and was less stress on me, although my DD is stubborn and still found it worthwhile to forego the stickers and give me attitude and a hard time quite a bit, so the charts took longer to get through for her. It was still worth it, though on those days when she did earn that sticker.
There were 4 or 5 categories of specific things DD was responsible for (what specific behaviors are you trying to correct and what specific tasks do you need her to do consistently, including some easy ones - brush your teeth, pick up your toys before bedtime, be ready for school by a certain time, etc. - not too many or it gets overwhelming, work on a few things with the first chart and a few more with the next one) one was overall attitude for the day (of course, this is the one she struggled with the most, but when she started acting up, I'd give her warnings that she was going to lose her attitude sticker if she kept it up - much better than arguing, yelling, and our old pattern of interaction). The chart had 4 or 5 columns on it - one for each things DD was responsible for. It also had 4 or 5 rows. She had the ability to earn one sticker in each category every day. When she reached a total of 5 stickers in any one category, she couldn't earn any more in that category (but she could lose stickers if she didn't still do it) until she caught up with the rest of the categories for that row. When she earned 5 stickers in all of the categories, she got the reward for that row (ie: the fish bowl). When the chart was complete (80-100 stickers total) she got the big reward and I made a huge deal about it. Then, we'd sit down together and make another chart to earn something else.
The best way I've found to get them to change their behavior and help out around the house at that age is to make it fun (when they get older, you have to start taking away stuff to get through to them, or at least I have). DD enjoyed the charts (except for that "overall daily attitude" column...LOL!), participating in setting the rewards and earning them. They didn't cost me a whole lot of money (I tried to keep it to about $20-25 total) but it was well worth it for all of those days where she earned that attitude sticker.
Personally, I'd start with the charts first, unless she really grasps the concept of money and is motivated by earning it. You can build up to earning money for chores that help the family, but you have to start with getting her attitude in check and getting her to accept responsibility for picking up her own things and becoming more independent with herself first before moving on to helping the family and "earning her keep." That's what I've found at that age anyway.