Grown Kids, parents and sex...
Hi i'm a 22 year old Law Student, My g/f is also 22, we have been together for 4 1/2 years. She's also a student and lives at home. Her parents have always been a problem, her father works abroad so he's gone most of the year, her mother however has been a constant pain in her side. She refuses to accept that her role is no longer that of rule enforcer but should now be more supportive etc... Instead she is constantly confiscating car keys (now that my g/f bought her own car she's taken to confiscating the house keys). She treats her like a child and when she doesn't get her own way she can and will resort to violence. My g/f won't move out until she has her fathers blessing (they do have a decent relationship) and he won't give that until she is self-sufficient ie. graduated and working. I think thats fair and reasonable however recently her mother found some photos of her and one or two of us in umm provocative poses i think we'll call them. They were hidden in a folder on her laptop but as i said her mother does not respect her privacy etc.. We have in the last 4 years been inseperable going abroad together, going out together, basically acting like a couple with all that entails.
Her mother hit the roof over these photos although to be honest i have my suspicions over whether she hadn't known about them for sometime and just chose now as an opportune time to break all hell loose. (her father was on the verge of getting her a place in preperation of her graduation) It seems rather suspicious that in the middle of an argument she could just pull them out to show the father what her daughter 'really is!' Her father as is to be expected hit the roof not because of the acts but because of her judgement in actually having pics which could find their way onto the net. Having had a correspondance session with him (he's out of the country again) he's calmed down. Her mother however is still riding a power trip over my g/f and has no summened me for a talk. I was just wondering whether anybody on this forum could possibly give me ideas for how to approach it. I do not think that our sex life should be up for discussion, the 'evidence' she has was obtained deceitfully, and as for the whole fuorer over their content. We are grown up and surely sexuality should be our judgement call now not her mothers. Any helpful comments or critisicm would be appreciated so i can walk into it prepared to face any situation.
Cheers
Answers:
[/quote] I do not think that our sex life should be up for discussion, the 'evidence' she has was obtained deceitfully, and as for the whole fuorer over their content. We are grown up and surely sexuality should be our judgement call now not her mothers. [/quote]
I think you've already said it pretty well and I would say the same thing to her mother. Keep it short, sweet and respectful. Do not allow yourself to argue.
As long as your both being respectful of the parents' home while your living/visiting there, your private lives are your business. It's probably time to be more agressive about finding new living arrangements. In the meantime, perhaps you can also suggest coming up with a mutual schedule/rules that would make your living arrangement happier.
Answers:
Yeah i already live on my own, but she doesn't want to move in with me until she can contribute financially, she doesn't want to simply be replacing dependance on her father with dependance on me, at least her father is 'duty bound' to help her while if the relationship goes south she could find herself in a bit of a mess. Her course of studies involved doing over 40hours a week of clinical work in hospitals for almost no money (around 80 pounds a month) which when coupled with studying and attending lectures leaves little time to get a paying job. So alternative living arrangements are at the moment out of the question for her in my opinion.
ALLTheLarsons if you could define what you meant by," coming up with a mutual schedule/rules that would make your living arrangement happier.
" What sort of schedule/Rules are you suggesting.
We have respected their home just as when i was living with my parents those were places which were off limits to intimacy. What goes on under their roof is their business and i don't agree with violating the trust which parents place in their kids when allowing bf/gfs to visit.
Answers:
I hope that when my kids are your age, they are as seemingly caring, respectful and well spoken. Kudos to you and your parents!
What I meant by a routine/schedule is coming up with a list/calendar of responsibilities/behaviors that are followed by you and your girlfriend and her parents while you are in their home. It should be mutual, meaning the parents put forth their ideas as well as you and your girlfriend (or, just their daughter, since it is their child and their home that seems to be the issue)
Something along these lines:
1. Sex will not take place in the house
2. Coming and going will be limited to the hours of 7am and 11pm during the week and 1am on the weekends
3. Parents will not enter the bedroom unless invited to do so
4. Kids will respect parents home, friends and other family and parents will respect kids' schedule and private life
5. Twice a month is daughter/family time, no boyfriend
Maybe you could come up with the list first, show it to her parents and then use that as the starting point. Her parents could add to it, take away, etc.
Relationships are never perfect and it's so hard for parents to see their children love someone else. They've had that love as all their own for so so long, losing it and becoming 2nd place is difficult.
Answers:
Thanks for the help/advice AllTheLarsons i'll give it a go.
regards
Simmt
Her mother hit the roof over these photos although to be honest i have my suspicions over whether she hadn't known about them for sometime and just chose now as an opportune time to break all hell loose. (her father was on the verge of getting her a place in preperation of her graduation) It seems rather suspicious that in the middle of an argument she could just pull them out to show the father what her daughter 'really is!' Her father as is to be expected hit the roof not because of the acts but because of her judgement in actually having pics which could find their way onto the net. Having had a correspondance session with him (he's out of the country again) he's calmed down. Her mother however is still riding a power trip over my g/f and has no summened me for a talk. I was just wondering whether anybody on this forum could possibly give me ideas for how to approach it. I do not think that our sex life should be up for discussion, the 'evidence' she has was obtained deceitfully, and as for the whole fuorer over their content. We are grown up and surely sexuality should be our judgement call now not her mothers. Any helpful comments or critisicm would be appreciated so i can walk into it prepared to face any situation.
Cheers
Answers:
[/quote] I do not think that our sex life should be up for discussion, the 'evidence' she has was obtained deceitfully, and as for the whole fuorer over their content. We are grown up and surely sexuality should be our judgement call now not her mothers. [/quote]
I think you've already said it pretty well and I would say the same thing to her mother. Keep it short, sweet and respectful. Do not allow yourself to argue.
As long as your both being respectful of the parents' home while your living/visiting there, your private lives are your business. It's probably time to be more agressive about finding new living arrangements. In the meantime, perhaps you can also suggest coming up with a mutual schedule/rules that would make your living arrangement happier.
Answers:
Yeah i already live on my own, but she doesn't want to move in with me until she can contribute financially, she doesn't want to simply be replacing dependance on her father with dependance on me, at least her father is 'duty bound' to help her while if the relationship goes south she could find herself in a bit of a mess. Her course of studies involved doing over 40hours a week of clinical work in hospitals for almost no money (around 80 pounds a month) which when coupled with studying and attending lectures leaves little time to get a paying job. So alternative living arrangements are at the moment out of the question for her in my opinion.
ALLTheLarsons if you could define what you meant by," coming up with a mutual schedule/rules that would make your living arrangement happier.
" What sort of schedule/Rules are you suggesting.
We have respected their home just as when i was living with my parents those were places which were off limits to intimacy. What goes on under their roof is their business and i don't agree with violating the trust which parents place in their kids when allowing bf/gfs to visit.
Answers:
I hope that when my kids are your age, they are as seemingly caring, respectful and well spoken. Kudos to you and your parents!
What I meant by a routine/schedule is coming up with a list/calendar of responsibilities/behaviors that are followed by you and your girlfriend and her parents while you are in their home. It should be mutual, meaning the parents put forth their ideas as well as you and your girlfriend (or, just their daughter, since it is their child and their home that seems to be the issue)
Something along these lines:
1. Sex will not take place in the house
2. Coming and going will be limited to the hours of 7am and 11pm during the week and 1am on the weekends
3. Parents will not enter the bedroom unless invited to do so
4. Kids will respect parents home, friends and other family and parents will respect kids' schedule and private life
5. Twice a month is daughter/family time, no boyfriend
Maybe you could come up with the list first, show it to her parents and then use that as the starting point. Her parents could add to it, take away, etc.
Relationships are never perfect and it's so hard for parents to see their children love someone else. They've had that love as all their own for so so long, losing it and becoming 2nd place is difficult.
Answers:
Thanks for the help/advice AllTheLarsons i'll give it a go.
regards
Simmt